A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's p*****ing down out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man, being married, does as he is told, of course, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk

Big John doesn't pay!

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage,
started his bus, and drove off along the route. No
problems for the first few stops - a few  people got
on, a few got off, and things went generally well. 
 
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got
on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms
hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver
and said, " Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at
the back. 
 
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three,
thin, and basically  meek? Well, he was. Naturally,
he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy
about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big
John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay,
and sat down. And the next day, and the next.  
 
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing
sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of
him. finally he could stand it no longer. He signed
up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all
that good stuff. 
By the end of the summer, he had become quite
strong; what's more, he felt really good about
himself. 
 
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got
on the bus and said, " Big John doesn't pay!"  The
driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and
screamed, " And why not?" 
 
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied,
" Big John has a bus pass." 
 
Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in
the first place before working hard to solve one."

Kids Are Quick   . . . .
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TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:        Maria.
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TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
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TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:  Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
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TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.  
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TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.
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TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher

    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a
> monastery. 
> He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
> 'My car broke down.
> Do you think I could stay the night'?
> The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even
> fix his car. As
> the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a
> sound like no
> other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the
> monks what the
> sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you.
> You're not a monk'.
> The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes
> about his merry way.
> Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
> same monastery. 
> The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
> That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound
> that he had heard
> years earlier.
> The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks
> reply,
> 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
> The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to
> know.  If the only way I
> can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how
> do I become a
> monk'?
> The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us
> how many blades of
> grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
> you find these
> numbers, you will become a monk'.
> The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later,
> he returns and
> knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have
> travelled the earth
> and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found
> what you had asked
> for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
> 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.
> The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and
> now you are a monk'.
> 'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.
> The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head
> monk says, the sound
> is behind that door.
> The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He
> asks, 'May I have
> the key'?
> The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
> Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The
> man requeststhe
> key to the stone door.
> The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a
> door made of
> ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide
> it. Behind that
> door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it
> went until the
> man had gone through doors of emerald,...
> >...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
> Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last
> door'.
> The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns
> the knob, and
> behind that door he is astonished to find the source of
> that strange sound.
> It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight 
>  
> . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're
> not a monk.

> DON'T SWEAR AT ME; 
> I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!